Kill Ainsley Harriott

from by Maximum Genius

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All my party people in the club! There's something I want you to do!
And I understand that this isn't something you'd usually be expected to do in this sort of situation. But don't question it, I have my reasons.

What I want you to do is... just.. look...

All my boi's in the club, kill Ainsley Harriott,
All my bitches in the club, kill Ainsley Harriott!

If you see him in the club, you should smack him about,
Hold his nose, pour Fairy liquid into his mouth,
Smack him in the face with good, locally-sourced trout,
Then drown him in a bath of cough medicine with clout!
Chop him up, finely, and season with dill,
Then let him simmer gently on the grill,
Impress that audience with your cooking skill,
Red Tomatoes one, Green Peppers, nill!
TV chefs as fresh as you can get,
Bits of Gordon Ramsay stuffed into baguettes,
Jamie Oliver in Jelly, just leave it to set,
I guarantee, it'll be the best thing you eat,
Of a three-course meal, because we'll,
Have a side of hairy bikers Vichyssoise* and eel,
Heston Blumenthal, Brie sauce and veal,
Or Rick Stein sushi, if you get a raw deal!

Ready steady, trapped on the Jetty, who got the boat stuck,
Need to blame someone, but who? Oh look!
Can't cook, won't cook, grab your phone book,
Beat him over the head and rip out his throat -hyuk!-
Throw him over the edge and let's go fishing,
Fish biting a chef, it seems so fitting,
Throw the fish back in the water, let 'em keep on swimming,
If you want flavour, Ainsley Harriott's brimming.
First celeb to try him, "Oh, you weren't kidding!"
Clone him, open a cafe, make a, uh, killing!
And that's wicked, Red Tomatoes winning,
Boy this sure beats, bread and dripping!
OOOOOOOH! That shit's tasty,
Rustic TV chef served with gravy!
All wrapped in filo pastry.
This dish'll send your tastebuds crazy!

All my boi's in the club, kill Ainsley Harriott,
All my bitches in the club, kill Ainsley Harriott!


from Billy Goes to Spain, released November 5, 2013



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